I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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