Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
