she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
