sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
