I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize