And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
