I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
