Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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