Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
