I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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