too bad you live with your parents still
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
