I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
