My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
high people should be assigned attendants
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
