remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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