Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
