Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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