I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
