4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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