im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
