The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize