It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
