Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
