happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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