if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
