I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
