I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
