its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
