Your mouth is God's brothel.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
