Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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