I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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