Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
