dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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