I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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