You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize