that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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