some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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