Dual....:-)
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
