he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
