the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
