After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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