I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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