I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
