I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Randomize
