I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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