I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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