piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
