I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize