i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
