If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize