i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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