He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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