..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
