Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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