I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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